Coping During Difficult Times: Safety, Control, Connection (by Jeneva Stone)

Art by Rob Stone, yarn on ceramic tile. [image description: Pieces of yarn (dark & light blue, light & dark green, red, orange, and yellow) have been dropped in tangled loops on a glossy white ceramic tile and glued into place.]

I’ve been thinking about trauma lately. Our children and our families have been through so much over the last year and a half--not only the pandemic itself, but the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol; the natural disasters caused by climate change; the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan; the refusal of some Republican leaders to support mask mandates, vaccinations, and public safety; and the mounting Covid death toll, which has now surpassed the total U.S. deaths from the 1918 flu pandemic.

After over two decades of coping with the medical and social trauma both Rob and my family have experienced, I thought I knew how to manage. A therapist once advised me never to think more than six months ahead while going through a crisis stage. That window is manageable--I can make reasonable plans, but avoid catastrophizing about unknowns.

All of us have our tricks and tips to get through the day, the week, the month, the year: Meditation, a glass of wine now and then, time with friends and family, a funny movie, and so on.

That is, I imagine many of us living with complex medical needs and disabilities are used to the reality that our lives are often subject to crisis and uncertainty. But, lately, our inner and outer worlds have been more than disrupted, they’ve been beaten up beyond recognition.

And, now, another pandemic winter is upon us, with only the glimmer of a pediatric vaccine coming at some point in the next few months.

In any discussion of trauma, you hear a lot about the body’s “fight or flight” response. Under our current conditions, we can neither “fight” an invisible virus (as well as all the other problems our society faces), nor flee. We may often be frozen with fear, uncertainty, indecision.

This is typical. What no one told me until I began studying trauma is that “fight or flight” is only two-thirds of the range of biological and psychological response to trauma. The third is “freezing,” which some clinicians call “surrender.” If you cannot fight back or flee a dangerous situation, your primordial brain is primed to freeze. This often allows a person to survive a crisis period. In the animal world, freezing may deter a predator or distract it long enough that the organism under attack finds a means of escape.

Most of what’s going on in the world right now appears beyond our control; thus, we freeze. Recovering from a single incidence of trauma is difficult; recovering from a series of traumatic events is even harder, especially when the trauma is ongoing.

But there are things we can do. Trauma experts consistently identify a starting point for moving forward: establishing and maintaining a sense of safety. Your sense of safety may come from a place, a person, or a sensation. Identify that. Build upon it. Retreat to it whenever necessary. Help your children identify their own safe spaces.

From a place of safety, you can begin to establish some sense of control. Identify what you can and cannot control, big or small, consequential or seemingly insignificant. It may make you feel better. Keep adding to and building upon the big and little things you can control--decisions you can make, actions you can take, independence you can achieve.

That’s how to begin finding equilibrium (or trying to) in our upended world.

And finally, figure out what human connections matter most to you. Devote your energy to them. And don’t forget advocacy! “There’s strength in numbers” aren’t empty words. Judith Lewis Herman, a leading trauma researcher, says, “[People] who recover most successfully [from trauma] are those who discover some meaning in their experience that transcends the limits of personal tragedy. Most commonly, [people] find this meaning by joining with others in social action.”

Now breathe.